I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
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she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My feet surprised me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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