I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
