I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
