I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dignity is for republicans.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
