Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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