If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
