did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
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After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
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You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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