i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
