girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
