i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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