I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
