obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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