dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
