Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There's always time for handjobs
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
