fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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