he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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