so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
