The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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