My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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