Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
