I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How does one acquire holy water?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
