I showed him my bush... on skype.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
