Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
