Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
