just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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