Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
