Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
