Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
