Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
