I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
