Whod you bang
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
