Already got asked if we're dating
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
