What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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