I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
