I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
