I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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