Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
