So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
