woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
