In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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