my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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