Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
