My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
