last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
