i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
