I accidentally burped into my bong.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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