party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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