Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
