ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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