I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
