So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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