why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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