Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize