Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
