I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
