I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I can't turn off my feet"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
