Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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